


Only Human in Desire

by clawofglory



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dark Swan Arc (Once Upon a Time), F/F, F/M, Metafiction, Sexuality Crisis, Star-crossed, the emotional threat of romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28430013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clawofglory/pseuds/clawofglory
Summary: Maybe they were always destined to go back and forth like the ball's on newton's cradle: Once force is applied, Regina nearly begging for a confession in Camelot, the upward swing, but when it falls, it strikes the other and comes to nearly a dead stop, and the opposite swings almost as high as the first force. With or without their memories they are stuck in this cycle.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan, Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Robin Hood
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this meta I wrote:  
> As the dark one she doesn’t need to sleep so her desire for Regina becomes consuming, combined with her suppression her not so straight feelings, dragging her more into the darkness, making her less human, which in turn makes her more drawn to her desires/impulses ie: Regina, and it’s just a spiraling positive feedback loop.  
> But being less human may in be the desired quality she thinks because in asking Regina if indulging in impulses is wrong (in reference to her gay feelings for Regina) and Regina assuming Emma means them being adulterous together, sighs “Of course it is. But it’s also human.” And the conversation at the well gets interrupted and Emma stalks off I think it is then she decides that being human will not save her, only darkness can. Being human caused her predicament.  
> https://carols-lost-glove.tumblr.com/post/636403736933269504/thinking-about-how-the-fact-that-cas-doesnt-eat  
> Many thanks to the anon who suggested I turn it into a fic!  
>   
> Please be forewarned that Emma doesn’t view her homosexuality in a good light and that that is a major conflict of the story.

Emma saw the vortex surrounding and knew she had no choice but to react. Regina was - Henry's mother, her best friend, her tender coparent, the only one who understands her, everything.

No thoughts given to the man who says he loves her, the family she tries hard to please, just Regina in danger. Emma plunges herself into the vortex despite Regina's objections. Emma will always save Regina no matter what she says or does. Emma pulled her from the fire. Emma helped her stop the trigger. Emma will always see through her tough exterior to scared woman who cried, "You're gonna leave me, aren't you?" She feels it in her soul as Regina yells, "No!" and Emma grunts, "You worked too hard to have your happiness destroyed," before all goes black.

~0~

“Are you serious?” Regina questions as Emma hands her the dagger.

"I saved you, now save me." Emma's words rattle in her head. Words of trust that Regina couldn't believe fully as Emma gave her reign of the dagger.

Regina steps forward calling herself the savior. Maybe it's noble and maybe it's not. Maybe she just wants to be the hero for once. Maybe she needs to protect Emma. Maybe she does things for two reasons.

So this is where they were now. All cards on the table. Regina must know. She has to know. Emma leaves when Regina kisses Robin. Emma throws herself onto Hook's lips in turn. Regina flashes her helpless glances. Regina knows.

They lock eyes shyly as they dance with their approved partners. Emma raises her hand to use her magic to protect Regina as Hook holds her back. Hook holds her back. Hook holds her back from- from having everything she's ever wanted, but as that night at the ball he protects her from causing everyone to see her as she truly is and turn their backs on her.

But they are who they are and what's most important remains unspoken only told in stolen glances of hurt and regret. With the darkness coursing through Emma's veins ignoring the truth, ignoring her impulsive becomes unbearable. Regina consumes her thoughts. Emma can no more push it away than understand it. Emma pulls back from the others, silent and detached afraid of what she might do. Not needing sleep draws her further into her mind. Regina consumes all her thoughts. Without the excuse of the saviour card people may notice her protectiveness of Regina and see it for what it truly is.

Robin jokes with Regina about “not being the only one looking forward to a dance with the savior.” Her mind immediately freezing feeling caught before she realizes he means her. She is the savoir now.

~0~

“Need a light?” Regina asks, inwardly rolling her eyes at approaching Emma with what sounds such like a cheesy sounding pick up line as Emma stands by the well.

“Regina,” Emma breathes, and Regina feels her heart flutter.

“I thought you could use a friend,” she offers. A Friend. That’s what Emma needs. Emma doesn’t need her baggage, doesn’t need feelings, she just needs her support.

Emma sighs. “He's playing with me. He said I can't light it because I'm not ready to let go of the darkness.”

“Are you?” Regina quips.

Emma retorts back, “Regina.” Emma believes she has done everything to let go of the darkness; she resisted the power, she turned her back on evil, what more is there that Emma is unable to let go? A question asked and answered.

Regina offers up no judgement, “Hey. No one knows the lure of darkness better than I do.” She knows how it allows one to suppress their difficult feelings. She spent so much time focused on hating Snow White, harnessing that darkness- that anger to avoid dealing with her pain and hurt. She knows. She understands. “You can lie to your parents. You can lie to yourself.” Regina calls Emma out. They are having this conversation. They need to have this conversation. She knows Emma. She has been Emma. She can’t be the reason for Emma’s further descent to darkness. Emma may have sacrificed her soul for Regina, but Regina won’t let her do more. “But you can't lie to me,” she says with her eyes closed, feeling so much kinship with Emma Swan.

Emma flounders, unable to admit to things to Regina, her friend. Regina said friend, just friend, an easy let down. “I don't know.”

“Feels good, doesn't it?” Regina goads. “Indulging every impulse, wielding great power, doing whatever you want.” Regina wishes they had that luxury. She wishes she could look past the weight of the pain of others. A tear wells in her eye. She wants. She yearns. She wishes she could just be free from guilt and selfish again. Regina revels in remembrance of the feeling. It’s overwhelming.

“Yes. Yes, it does,” Emma answers quietly, then adds a self-conscious question, “Is that wrong?” _being who I am, loving you, entertaining these thoughts. thoughts of us._

Regina sighs. “Of course it is.” Regina answers honestly, thinking Emma’s question has to do with the adulterous aspect of their feelings, which is what Regina sees as the only problem. Her tone softening before she adds, “But it's also **human**.”

Maybe Regina was being selfish. Maybe she liked people thinking she was pure and good far more than she wanted to admit. Maybe she liked puffing herself up as morally superior. Maybe she didn't want to hurt anyone else in her quest for happiness. She had done that so many times. She didn't want Robin to be another casualty. Feeling something for Emma wasn’t the problem, hurting others by acting on those feelings is.

“Look, I know you, Emma. It took a long time, but I really know you,” Regina confesses, coming out as close to _I love you_ as their relationship allows. “And you're not as weak as I once was.” She voices her admiration though a complement laced with self deprecation. ”So if you're clinging to the darkness, you have good reason, and it's beyond temptation, so what is it?”

Emma replies frustrated “I don't know,” _what you want me to say_. _You told me that it’s wrong. That I’m wrong. That my feelings are_ _wrong_. _That being gay is wrong. That I’m broken, just like the foster family told me._

“There's a difference between not knowing something and not **wanting** to admit it. Those walls you put up, Emma, it's time they come down,” Regina retorts determined, grabbing the Dark One dagger.

“What are you doing?” Emma tenses. She trusted Regina.

“Helping you break the walls,” Regina answers. She wants Emma to save herself. All she needs is a gentle push. Regina knows she’s not the saviour she’s had to pretend to be “As your friend,” she repeats the word again, trying to convince Emma that this is because she cares for her, that they will still be friends after, the word acting a douse of reality check to Regin herself allowing her to remain composure because friends- that’s what they are. They are just friends and that’s all they can ever be. Regina needs to hold strong for this to work. “I command you, Dark One, tell me, why are you so afraid to give up the darkness?”

“Once I let it go, I won't be able to protect my family,” Emma answers truthfully. _Once I release my secret, they will be hurt. I can’t save them from that. They won’t understand. They wanted to take away my magic and magic was something they understood far more than homosexuality._

“That's another wall, Emma.” Regina pushes, wanting less vague of an answer “Now... the truth.” She wants to hear Emma voice exactly what she thinks she’s thinking: that Emma has feelings for her because she needs to know that she is not the only one.

“It is. Regina, please,” Emma begs. _You’re my family too_. _I’m afraid of losing you. I’m afraid I will lose this relationship we have now, if I say this outloud. I’m afraid you’ll want nothing to do with me. I’m afraid you won’t accept me the way I am. Being my friend is better than you hating me._

“No, it's not,” Regina decries. “You just have to be brave enough to knock down all those walls you're hiding behind. The dagger can make you look, but you... you have to choose to see. Now come on. Come on, Emma. See!” Regina pleads. “Tell me what you're really afraid of!” It’s desperate and vulnerable and hopeful and lost all at once. _Emma, Emma please take the risk._

Maybe she craved to know that Emma really reciprocated her feelings before throwing away her soul mate. She craved it more than air. She knew. She knew. But she needed to be sure that this was something Emma could really do- something she could admit to. She's been burned too many times to put faith on anything less. She knows she's not easy to love and all that Emma would risk by choosing her. This is their chance to really talk about what matters. She wants Emma to be brave and take back control of her life, to not live in fear but break the bonds of secrets that hold her back, dragging her further into the depths of darkness.

Emma wants to be rid of the darkness, but she feels trapped. She can’t tell Regina she’s gay. Regina thinks it’s wrong. That she’s wrong. Her family will think it’s wrong. That is why she is afraid. Why is Regina pushing? Doesn’t she know already? Admitting to this fact only serves to draw her further into the darkness, Emma thinks. Emma knows she just needs to ignore these same sex impulses and just settle down into a loveless life with Killian and make everyone happy. Regina can go on ignoring her feelings and Emma can be safe from the darkness she feels comes with her homosexuality.

Suddenly the tense moment ends and Emma is drawn from her mind. David fumes, “Regina, what are you doing?”

“I'm getting answers,” Regina answers unwilling to break. She needs this. Emma needs this.

“By controlling her?” Hook shouts. “That's enough.”

Regina scoffs. _The Pirate pretending to have Emma’s best interests at heart, that’s rich._

“Are you all right?” Hook asks Emma.

“You really think you're helping her by being cruel?” Mary Margaret chastises. Always playing the holier than thou card. When Regina knows that she’s truly the cause of Emma’s distress. Emma thinking that her mother couldn’t forgive her for having feelings for her former rival. The audacity of these people.

“I wasn't cruel,” Regina decries. “I've been cruel.” _Keeping my feelings from Emma for so long until now that was cruel._ “And trust me, you'd know it. I was getting to the truth. It's not my fault that it's painful.” Regina wraps her arms into herself, drained and lost and no closer than before. She feels the pain of the truth. She has shown Emma her feelings as best as she could and Emma refused to reciprocate.

But Emma saved her. Emma chose her life and safety above all else at abandon. Emma trusted her with the dagger, not some silly pirate. Emma trusted her with her soul and here she was using it. She's not the saviour they've led Camelot to believe. Pink dresses can't hide the evil truth. If Emma was choosing to- to deny these feelings she would just have to suck it up and give Robin his happy ending. She doesn't really deserve one herself, deep down she knows that, but god Emma gave her such hope. Emma, who always believed in her. Emma, who would sacrifice for her happiness as long as she could claim it was for everyone and not Regina.

Emma stalks off, feeling angry, broken and betrayed.

~0~

_Where does she get off judging me for this? She's slaughtered villages, but me- my love- that's wrong. And she feels the same way but she's oh so better than me? Because what?—- because I'm - I'm – a lesbian and she's what? Straight, but I'm her exception! Fuck off, Regina!_

"You could always kill her," the dark Rumple teases forcefully. Emma glares at him. "Make her suffer?" He tries again. "Bring her to the darkside! Make her ours! Fuck her softly till she mews your name," the Rumple in her mind giggles gleefully. "Take her rough against a tree and show that forest boy to whom she really belongs!" Rumples urges. "Make him watch! Rip his heart out!"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Emma cries grabbing her head in her hands willing the voices to stop. She doesn't want to think about Regina like this. She doesn't want to think about Regina at all.

"Are you okay?" Emma is drawn from her thoughts by a grounding hand on her shoulder, sending the demons away. Regina's words are soft and spoken with care. Emma feels the warmth radiating through her body from Regina's fingers like a lifeline. Love is stronger than hate. Too bad she isn't Emma's to love.

Emma tosses Regina's hand off. "I'm fine," she grunts.

Regina eyes her knowingly, seeing right through the lies as she crosses her hands about her middle. _God she looks beautiful in the moonlight._

"Go away, Regina! You shouldn't be here."

"I just was worried about you and I wanted to help," Regina explains suddenly feeling defensive and at a loss for what to do with her hands.

"You were worried?" Emma laughs and suddenly Rumple is back too. "Haven't you helped enough?" Emma probes glibly, stepping forward. "Go back to your forest fuckboy and my prefect family who wants you as their saviour daughter and leave me the fuck alone!"

Regina flinches from the harshness of Emma's words. She takes a step back. "If that's what you really want..." she offers weakly.

"Yeah, it is," Emma tenses as she stands her ground. Rumple claps for her in the background as Regina turns to leave.

“Okay, if you uh- want to talk. I’m your friend. I’ll always listen, Emma,” she says in parting.

 _She says, ‘blah blah blah it’s human,’ like to the same tune of ‘we all make mistakes’ fuck off. This isn’t one of her dark fucking murderous impulses! She thinks this is the same! I just want to love her. She wanted to kill my mother. It’s not the same. Maybe if this is so wrong- my human impulses are so wrong. I don’t to be human. Human Emma is wrong- is broken. People say feeling pain is a part of being human, wanting to love Regina is just being human. THEN- I – DON’T- WANT- TO- BE- HUMAN. I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS! I DON’T WANT IT!_ She breaks down into sobs.

_Darkness, it can save me. If I let the darkness take me, I won’t love her? Love is not found in darkness. I won’t hurt. Pain is human. Will I? Will I? She forgot about Daniel, didn’t she? This is a human problem and I have the luxury of being able to rid that part of myself. I could be normal – and she could be happy._

~0~

Regina tries again. Regina kisses her. Emma shoves her back violently, too violently causing Regina to stumble backwards and land in a heap on the floor.

"I can't do this!" Emma seethes. "Not when you're just gonna go fuck Hood tomorrow like I'm nothing!"

Regina staggers back to standing. "How's that different than Hook?" she snaps before she can think better of it.

"I don't love him!" Emma yells into her face, causing Regina to reel backwards in shock.

Regina reaches out for Emma, but Emma tugs her arm away from the other woman's grasp. "Just go be the saviour they all think you are and have a happy fucking life with your soulmate," Emma spits the words like venom as she slams the door in Regina's face.

~0~

She saves Hook. He doesn't want to be saved. She doesn't care. It's not about him. She wants the darkness. She wants an excuse. She wants Regina to not feel responsible to not feel like by living her happiness it causes Emma pain. Emma can give her that. Emma can keep her pirate and Regina can keep her distance. She can keep her bow boy and be a happy family with a mansion and children with everything polished and perfect- no defects. She can squash those feelings of being broken like Emma is and forget. Emma can help her forget. Emma can make a family with this pirate she can cling to that excuse that this will also make him happy. They can all be the perfect heterosexual couples the world demands of them. She needs that. No one else would ever be able to look beyond Emma's pinning. Maybe he's just using Emma for his redemption, maybe she thinks that so she'll feel better about what she's choosing. She needs him, he is her lifeline to a normal life. Regina needs that from her, she can't keep tempting Regina off her path of goodness.

“I don’t care what happens to me,” Emma cries.

Her family tries to intervene. “Emma, wait.” “Please. Listen, you can’t.”

“Emma, your parents are right,” Regina agrees.

Emma turns to speak just to Regina, beg her to understand. “If you could’ve saved Daniel or Robin… Look how far you were willing to go, how far you pushed me to save him!” Her voice breaks. “I’m not gonna lose Killian. I won’t let anyone stop me.” _You would always save that picture frame of ideality. MEN! You would always choose that over me. I make you broken. You wanted a normal life so LET ME HAVE MINE!_

If Regina could, she would save Daniel and Robin and Emma knows she would always choose them, never Emma. Emma can’t be left alone to watch Regina have her happy ending- an ending with someone else, an ending that shows off her goodness. The words echo in her brain, “I made you a promise I intend to keep. Everyone deserves their happy ending.” Emma wants Regina to understand: _I can make sure you get your happy ending but it’s not with me…so I have to make it least looks the part for my family. Can’t you understand that? It’s not about me, it’s not even about him. It’s about them. It’s about you. Saving this life, saves my family. Regina, I need them, if I can’t have you. You need me to have him, so you can be whole and good and happy._

_I have to do this, but you don’t have to remember._

~0~

Things are cold between them. Emma brushes by her, the slight jostle as Regina looks upon her with sad eyes. Emma must be hard. She can’t give in. Regina reaches for the dagger at her hip that’s no longer there. Emma holds it to her throat. She is so mad. Regina doesn’t blame her. Emma eyes her coldly and Regina works hard not to crumple.

This is what she chose and they both have to live with it.

~0~ Emma’s thoughts

_My whole persona is a performance that was ingrained in me since I was a child. I can’t be who I am or else they will take me back. I don’t want to go back. I want a family. I want someone to love me. No one would love me if they really knew me. Born an broken duckling, but I’ll pretend to be the swan._

_I am terrified of vulnerability. I repress 90% of the thoughts that enter my mind. I love with every fiber of my being. I feel like all I do is feel. I feel like all I do is cry. I feel like all I do is yell. sorrow and happiness are too painful, so I lash out in rage, the only feeling that has become comfortable for me. I hate my mother and father. I love them. I want to be them. being like my parents is one of my worst fears, abandoning my child, wishing my child was different. I wish my parents lived up to the ideal I had of them in my head, but they’ll still always be the ones who shoved an infant though a wardrobe to save themselves._

_trauma has become so normal for me that I don’t know how to function without it. I am ashamed of the things that actually make me happy. my performance has become so second nature that I’m not even sure what actually does make me happy anymore. That’s a lie. She makes me happy. I am ashamed of that._

_I cannot allow myself fall in love because it will be taken from me. Everything good is always taken from me. I want to be loved more than anything in this whole world. Loving men should feel easy and comfortable, it’s acceptable and I wish I could give the men who loved me more of myself, but it doesn’t feel right. I don’t love them, not how they love me. Loving women is uncomfortable, terrifying, yet it is unstoppable. I wish I was able to love women more freely. I wish I was able to love her more freely. She deserves someone who can love her fully, openly, someone like him…_

_I know the demons. She was them. I am them. I love her. Regina is the only love of a woman I’ve ever experienced to be comforting. My love for her is painful. I run from it. I run from her. I want her to stay more than I can possibly say. I want her to choose me- to pick me. We could be a happy family us three._

_I’m harsh and cold. it’s what got me though being alone and unloved but secret part of me wants to be gentle instead. I love my family. I would die for my family. I resent my family because saving them is the only point of my existence. I don’t know who I am without them- who I am when I’m not the savior. sometimes I wish I was able to exist separate from them. But I know if I told them of my love it would happen, and I can’t live with that. I need them. I hate them. They would hate me. She would hate me. This is wrong. I am wrong. She says. She says._

_I want a normal life. I could never have a normal life. I am not normal. I long for it anyway. I am a torturer. I am a savior. I am damned. I am saved. I am a monster. I am a broken woman. I am a hero._

_I am a nurturer. I am a killer. I am ruthless. I am tender. I have been a parent. it was forced upon me. Pregnant alone in jail. it wasn’t my choice and it wasn’t fair, but it was the most important job I’ve ever had. he is my greatest accomplishment and no one will ever be more precious to me. He went to the family I dreamed of, but it was nothing more than a pipe dream. She is not mine and never will be. But I gave him his best chance. he is better than I deserved. I am afraid that I will be to him what my parents are to me. he forgives me for giving him up. I love him for that, but I haven’t earned the forgiveness he’s given me._

_When I look in the mirror, I see someone who has blood on her hands. I see someone who tries to so hard help people. I see someone who has caused almost as much pain as she’s prevented and has the possibility to cause even more. I see someone who hates who she sees. I have people who love me. I know they are too good for me. they will leave me. they will be taken from me. my heart has been through it too many times, and it has hardened because of it. I push people away. I hurt them before they hurt me. I leave destruction in my wake. and yet my heart still has its weak points. the hard exterior is fragile, and I’ve had to rebuild it more times than I can count. my heart’s broken walls let in the pain, but they also let in the love. and in those brief, beautiful moments, I wonder why I protected my heart in the first place. but then the pain comes again. it always comes again. it washes over me and fills every part of me and it is worse because I let myself go unguarded. it is my fault, because I foolishly let myself hope, which is always my worst mistake. and then I am cold. I am cruel. I am indistinguishable from who she was. She doesn’t see it that way. She thinks I’m too good for her. It makes me laugh. It makes me sick. She’s too good. She’s fought the darkness back. I’m not so sure I can do that._

_I don’t care what happens to me. I’m only a vessel for saving others. Maybe that’s why I always save her, no matter how damned she is. I dream of death more than I dare to admit. I do not want to say it out loud. I do not want more worried glances. I do not want more heartfelt talks. I will not take the easy way out. I am reckless. I eat what I want because it is what I never got when I was a child. I do not sleep. I don’t need to sleep. I care more about the world than my safety. maybe because I don’t mind if something goes wrong. at least I’ll go out as a hero and not a coward. My family would be proud. My grave would say: Emma Swan, the savoir, died a hero. I want to make them proud. It matters so much to me. but there are times where I do want to live. where I want to have all the things I never got to have. where I can take a breath. where I can have a moment of peace with Regina and Henry by my side. it does not feel realistic. but in the moments where my heart is unguarded, that’s what I think of: her. that is the foolish, naive dream my heart longs for. that dream is a weapon that has hurt me more often than any monster, sword, magic, or gun. and still the cycle repeats and the cracks in my heart’s armor let it creep through, destined to both save me and kill me once again._

_I think maybe she feels like I do. We are broken the same. And maybe together we could make each other whole. Maybe our sharp edges would fit together, bringing out beauty and softness in each other: a mosaic of hurt to a stained glass window where the sun shines through_. _But she doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want me. She’s scared too- maybe more than me. This is a life she can choose, not something she has to be._

 _I wish I could be the one to make her happy. To hold her. To make her whole. But no, Robin gets that privilege and he doesn’t even seem to realise how lucky he is._ _It breaks my heart a little more each day. But I want her to be happy with him anyway. She deserves to have everything I can’t. She’s worked to hard to have her happiness destroyed by my inappropriate crush on my tender co-parent._

~0~

Emma thought accepting the darkness would remove her feelings for Regina, but the opposite it is true. Regina consumes her always waking thoughts impossibly more. She is far gone. Her eyes always glazed over as she only sees Regina’s face. With human needs gone, desires run rampant. All she wants is Regina. She pushes herself to Hook. She dresses up to be the woman he wants, if she can’t be happy, she can at least put on a show. Her mother is so proud. It’s like the prom, Snow gets to feel like her mother as she smiles with pride and joy at the life she missed out on, the life she gave up to make her daughter less than a person, a tool with only one role: to save them all. Emma feels uncomfortable and false worse than when she used to catch bail jumpers. 50’s housewife Emma is this her life now- well if it makes them all happy it will be. She hopes she can give them that, not the broken mess she has grown up to be.

But he isn’t happy. He doesn’t love her. “I loved you” past tense, “BUT THAT YOU ISN’T HERE!” He doesn’t even have the reason to hate her without his memories, but yet he does.

When Emma compares that to Regina’s compassionate eyes. “I know you,” the closest she can reasonably speak to _I love you_ and Emma wonders if maybe she would always say that- that maybe that previous time by the well wasn’t a fluke, that maybe Regina wants this more than she could ever admit “-the good you,” Her eyes search Emma deeply, with so much love and devotion shrouded in uncertainty that it physically hurts Emma’s heart. “is still in there.” Emma longs to hear those words. Wants to reach out, but she knows she can’t. She can’t get closer to Regina if she wants this to work.

She wanders town at night. She wonders what Regina is doing. She grieves that. She jokes. She provokes. She’s angry. She’s lost. She’s in love. She can’t be in love. They fight and it’s like how they used to be when their universe was each other wrapped sexual tension. Chainsaws, rage, punches, baskets of apples, pining against walls, best apple cider she’s ever tasted. “Why don’t we bottle that rage and drink it?” She mocks. Aims to hurt. Aims to flirt. Regina, Regina, Regina. She’s drowning in Regina. Every dream catcher she makes, every breath she takes. Tallahassee seems only visible with Regina by her side. _I am not hers, but lost in her._ Obsessive make, make, make, take, take, take. Regina slams the door in her face. “Miss Swan.” Regina’s angry. She knows Emma’s lying. Her anger. It’s infuriating. It’s exciting. It’s sensual. It’s primal. When her red red lips pop the “m” on Emma it takes everything she has to not shove her up against the door and claim those lips with her own. She has to keep her distance.

“Afraid Henry will learn the truth of what happened in Camelot?" Emma taunts.

“If the truth is so important that why did you erase our memories?” Regina counters.

_To protect you. To protect him. TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. I can do this. I can fix this._

_You can’t throw away your soulmate for me. I won’t let you. I would just disappoint you._

~0~

Regina keeps coming. She won’t leave her alone. She’s suspicious. She’s intrigued.

They are fighting. They are lying. They are too close. They are heaving. They are staring. They aren’t blinking. Emma licks her lips. Regina’s eyes flick downward. They are kissing.

“Now, this is Emma,” Regina whispers against her throat. The Dark Swan smirks into Regina’s hair.

“Is it now? Would Emma do this?” She slides Regina’s blazer off her arms, running her hands along Regina’s bare arms, feeling her skin prickle with goosebumps in response, sliding her hands under the hemd of Regina’s shirt.

Regina bites down on her pulse point in response as Emma tilts her head back in dark laughter. “What, no lecture about how all of this is wrong?” Emma snaps. Her words rush over Regina like cold water.

Regina reels back. Their moment gone, feeling suddenly guilty about doing this to Robin. Regina straightens her shirt and shrugs back on her blazer. “I- I should go.” She nervously tucks a strand of hair behind her ear as she refuses to make eye contact with Emma as she makes her way to the door.

The Dark Swan calls. “There's a difference between not knowing something and not **wanting** to admit it,” repeating the words Regina doesn’t remember, in a singsong mockery.

Regina’s head snaps back toward Emma. Her face scrunches as she tries to place the words that give her a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach.

“Good night, Madam Mayor,” Emma closes the conversation along with the door in Regina’s face. She stands startled and confused on the doorstep. She tilts her head in concentration trying to fully understand what just happened.

Abruptly Emma reopens the door. "It's wrong isn't it- to lust after your same sex best friend?" Emma asks a hint of desperation in her voice.

"Lust? No, not really not in itself. You can't help how you feel. But acting upon it when both you and she have boyfriends, that is probably best left undone."

"Oh," Emma replies both sullen and relieved.

"Don't kill them," Regina advises.

Emma smirks downward. "Killing Killian is the opposite of what I have done."

"And Robin?" Regina asks earnestly.

"You make me sound like a monster, Regina," Emma retorts her voice high and clear in mock offense. "I became the Dark One for you... “ she pleads, followed by pinching the bridge of her nose in a sigh. “Everyone deserves their happy ending," she offers weakly. _Even assholes who don’t deserve you._

"Very well," Regina replies visibly flustered.

"So it's not because we're both women?" Emma asks feeling small.

"It has never been about that." Regina’s eyes flick downward sliding up Emma's body appreciatively. Regina bites the inside of her cheek. "I should probably go," she resolves.

"Home to fuck forest boy?" Emma snaps.

"Jealousy doesn't suit you, Miss Swan," Regina reprimands.

"How about possessiveness?" Emma disappears and reappears pinning Regina to the door.

"I'm not frightened of you," she remarks evenly.

"I see," the Dark Swan replies. "So the dilated pupils are a sign of something else," she surmises.

"Emma," Regina warns. Her heart hammering in her ears.

"Fine, be on your way," Emma snaps and Regina is poofed back to her house. Her body suddenly cold from the lack of Emma pressed against it.

Emma slides down to the floor against the door, head in her hands.

"Well that was fun. She was trembling," the dark Rumple appears before her once Regina is gone.

“I’m not in the mood,” Emma huffs.

“One simple beheading could solve all our problems,” he singsongs.

“No!” Emma objects violently. “I need to weave. I need to think.”

“Regina, Regina, Regina,” the dark visage lilts. “Her hair, her smell, enough to send you deep to hell.”

“Are you quite finished?” the Dark Swan eyes her mirage sternly.

“No,” he bites. “Regina and Emma sitting in a tree. F-u-c-k-i-n-g. First comes lust. Then comes blood sacrifice. Then comes murder in the middle of the night.” His song trails off into maniacal laughter. He steps closer nails grazing the underside of her chin. “She wants you, dearie.”

“I can’t do that to her! She’s worked too hard to have her happiness destroyed by wanton desires. I won’t. I can’t!” Her shriek causes glass to break in a distant room.

“Yes, yes, stay angry!” He goads. “Anger is power!”

Emma shoves past the mirage on her wave to her weaving.

“You two could make magic together. She has so much anger,” he calls after her.

"I need to stay away from her," Emma grunts.

~0~

The Dark Swan comes home, startled to find Regina. “What- how are you in here?” She shakes off the confusion in her head at seeing Regina propped up like queen on throne in her wingback chair in her living room.

Regina holds up Henry’s scarf.

“Smart,” Emma comments.

“Thank you,” Regina smiles, eyes flicking down nervously to her lap, where her hands begin to twist within each other. ‘Emma, I - I may not know what you’re doing, but I trust you,” Regina confesses as she looks her in the eye. “If you're clinging to the darkness, you have good reason. I know you, Emma. Let me help you. You can trust me.”

“Can I?” Emma asks skeptically.

“Use your superpower,” Regina dares, eyeing Emma through dark lashes.

“Okay,” Emma confirms. “What about Robin?” she suddenly asks.

“What about him?” Regina remarks. “We’re working together, Emma, not sleeping together.” Just like that she says it so casually.

Emma schools her features. And Regina glances up to eye her critically when she remains silent.

The Dark Swan offers her a weak smile. Regina breathes through her nose as she bites the inside of her lip.

Regina clears her throat. “This won’t be a problem?”

“No, no, of course not,” Emma replies hastily. _I need to respect the older woman’s wish of happiness. If not, what was any of this about?_

“Good.” Regina nods.

“I shouldn’t have said anything before,” Emma admits.

“I’m glad you did,” Regina replies in earnest, even though the whole situation causes within her mixed emotions. She takes Emma’s hand in her own, her thumb gently grazing Emma’s knuckles. When she feels herself start to sway forward, she quickly drops Emma’s hand, brushing her hands on her own skirt to busy them. “Anyway.”

“This won’t be a problem?” Emma echoes in mockery, arching her eyebrows.

Regina smiles cheekily.


	2. Chapter 2

At the prospect on no longer having to keep things from Regina, lifted a weight from Emma she didn't know she was carrying. It was stressful being the Dark One and even more stressful keeping so many secrets from her family. Family? Was she roping Regina in with her family? Regina is also Henry's mother after all, but it’s more than that.

It hurt to have to lie to Regina to have to act like everything else between them never happened. They were nearly back to the where they started that first year she came to town, all sexual tension and no communication or cooperation nor release.

She stared deeply into Regina's eyes seizing her up. She had to make sure that this wasn't an elaborate ruse. She saw nothing but honesty and sincerity within Regina, so Emma led her to the shed. Once inside Regina marveled at the sheer amount of dream catcher, her fingers lingering tracing the outline of one of them. The Dark Swan snapped it from her grasp. "Don't touch." Regina nervously retreated her arms around her middle. "I'm sorry," Emma softens noticing Regina's unease. "It's just, ya know, magic, it's delicate."

Regina sighs, running a hand through her hair that Emma wishes she hadn't seen, biting her lip in frustration. "So, um- I've got to warn you that a lot has happened, and all the memories flooding back is going to a be a shock to your system."

"Thanks, dear, I know how curses work," Regina gives back with a cloying smile.

"Okay," Emma throws her hands up in surrender. "But um for what it's worth, I'm sorry… Anyway, are you sure you want to do this?" Regina nods. "You're sure that I don't have to curse you for this information to just stay between us?"

"Of course, dear. There was a reason you didn't want everyone to know and I trust that your heart was in the right place when making that decision,” Regina admits it so matter of fact with that pure and implicit faith in Emma that it makes her heart feel heavy.

"That's a lot of faith you're putting in the Dark One," Emma comments nervously under Regina's intense gaze.

"No, dear, that's a lot of faith in you," Regina corrects, reaching out to cup Emma’s cheek. Emma takes a shaky breath which turns into a weak laugh, upon hearing the admission.

"Okay, just please don't be mad after I do this," Emma cautions, pulling her face from Regina’s grasp, as her words come out much like a beg. She strides over to find the dream catcher that contains Regina's memories.

The memories wash over Regina like whiplash. She's seeing herself reliving Daniel dying yet again, now having witnessed it three too many times. She sees herself begging pleading with Emma to put words to what was going on between them. She watches herself kiss Emma then be shoved away. Her fingers move themselves to trace the feeling in her lips. She watches Emma save Hook; she feels her desperation. She understands far more than she did before.

She must have stumbled due to the force of receiving so many emotionally charged memories at once, because when she comes to, Emma's hand is steadying her on her back, she feels the buzz of their shared connection. One kiss could be written off as a lapse in judgement, but that's not what they shared. That’s not how they got here.

Regina turns gazing into Emma's eyes with an overwhelming fondness in her dark orbs met with an unreadable harshness from Emma's. Regina leans in but Emma turns her head and Regina's lips hit her cheek. Emma disentangles herself from Regina. Regina can only look down as she feels Emma's eyes searching for her reaction. They exit the shed and Emma speaks only on the subject of her plans, ignoring what just happened.

Regina walks behind Emma and shakes her head at herself. She normally wasn't one to dwell on this type of thing, her attraction or whatever yearning she was feeling for Emma. She after many long years has grown capable of dealing with loneliness and desire and wanting things she could never have. She had to, but suddenly with the entirety of her memories back Emma Swan seemed even more irresistible, so she would just have to work harder to not give into this daydream, which she found an impossibility to gain, have or hold on to. Afterall why should she? She has Robin. She is fond of him. Maybe not like how she feels towards Emma, but that's normal; Emma has been such an important fixture in her life. Emma is- they are co-parents to her real truelove. And Emma saved Hook because that's the life she wants. Emma doesn't want her like that, so Regina will make herself useful, make herself into the person Emma needs. She will save Emma, just like Emma saved her, even if doing so destroys herself in the process.

She's spent so long having all her defenses up against feeling any of her own trauma and grief while simultaneously being so attached to that experience of loss. Daniel used to be the only thought on her mind; there was no room for growth or change only clinging to that past steadfast, fully ruminating in that headspace. No cared enough to try and help other than her father who had no idea how to support her, except by enabling her to continue on the path she was treading, ultimately leading to his own death. But the world opened up, the wounds opened up, when she met Emma Swan.

Emma was on her frequency; she wasn't afraid of her evil nor did she bend to her every whim. Regina had finally found someone who understood that underneath all these behaviors is just that aching hurt, much like Emma's own for which Regina still feels partially responsible. It's the most intimate thing, to find someone who not only understands, but who shares the private desires of your soul, who will brush all the pain away to find you hidden beneath, and never looks away. Emma figured out the most caring ways to be around Regina and show that she was concerned too much about Regina to let her go on trapped inside her cycle of suffering.

She wanted Regina to grow as a person. It took a long time, but she made Regina grow. When you look at it that way it's really no wonder why Regina has fallen head over heels.

Regina thought that the newly found way to survive the misery that’s became her life was the reason she felt attracted to Emma Swan. For many years she thought that it wasn’t an actual attraction, it was something more like gratitude, something more like the transference one feels for a therapist that dragged them from despair. Emma had dragged her from monotonous days. Emma had dragged her from the fire. Emma had dragged her from the darkness. But no, it wasn’t just that.

Emma feels the kinship too; she knows. _"I've got my son and my parents, and I love them. But they can't always understand me. They don't know what it feels like to be rejected and misunderstood... Not the way I do, not the way you do. And somehow that makes us, I don't know, unique, or maybe even special."_ But Emma had ended that thought with an invitation for friendship, but with a commitment of _"I'm not gonna stop trying,"_ which is more than Regina had ever expected of anyone.

Regina loves like a fist. She loves like a knife. She was being selfish before in Camelot. She has to temper down her feelings even now. She can’t allow herself to want like that for herself. It’s not fair to Emma. She knows she shouldn’t have kissed Emma, pressuring her to speak up about her feelings was not entirely selfless. There was a point before when Regina wouldn’t even allow herself the luxury of even acknowledging her feelings for herself, putting the words and thoughts into form, thinking she didn’t deserve love and she was no longer capable of it or so she had thought, but she is long past that point of no return. Maybe things were simpler then. Maybe things should have always remained an almost maybe left in the messages of the unsaid and undone found in the quiet devotion of the entwining of two homeless souls.

She pulls herself from her thoughts and excuses herself saying, “I’d better go.”

Hours later, Emma receives a text message: I’m sorry. I can’t.

The Rumple in her mind teases her and provokes her, twisting everything Regina could possibly mean into Emma’s worst demons. Emma is boiling. She is throwing, everything and anything. Needing to feel the destruction caused by her own hands. She stalks around for days. Tossing passerbys to the ground with her magic. She turns a dwarf to stone again.

It gets so bad that word travels so far and fast that eventually Henry is down on mainstreet talking to her calmly, talking her down calmly. She finds herself back at home, settled in the chair Regina had been earlier and maybe she can still smell hints of the lingering scent that is Regina or perhaps it’s her imagination combined with the liquor burning her throat and making her senses hazy.

Her Rumple is there egging her on with suggestions for what she should do to Regina, ranging in themes from sadistic to sadistically kinky. She screams at him to leave her alone, her anger too hard as she crushes the tumbler in her hand. Blood, glass, and booze mixing in the wounds. He taunts her more with a laugh reminding her that he exists in her mind.

Emma’s pulled from her reverie by an urgent banging at the door. “Emma Swan you open this door right now or so help me I will break it down!” Regina seethes. “You can’t just go around torturing people like that! Turning Sneezy to stone, really? Miss Swan I swear-“

Emma opens the door. Blood steaming down her wrist. Her eyes puffy and red. Her gait stumbling. “Emma, you’re hurt,” Regina’s tune changes to tender so suddenly as she pulls Emma’s hand gingerly into her own to examine it up close.

The Dark Swan tugs her hand from Regina’s as if she was burned. “I don’t need your help,” she replies coldly.

Regina huffs exacerbated. “Fine, heal it yourself or don’t. See if I care! Just stop terrorizing citizens of MY town!” She steps back gently, taking a deep breath and pinching the bridge of her nose.

“You obviously do or else you wouldn’t have stormed over here,” Emma says in a small voice as she timidly looks up to meet Regina’s eyes.

Regina gives her a flat terse smile, before nervously breaking it to gaze down at her feet as she wraps an arm around her stomach to put some distance between them. “You’re right. I should go,” her words are soft soft soft, like it’s the last thing in the world she wants to do as she shrugs and turns.

“Regina wait!” Regina turns back. The call so desperate so pleading so broken. Emma reaches out her hand failing miserablely slinging back to her side. “Would you like a drink?” she asks weakly.

Regina knows what she should say and she knows that’s exactly what she won’t say.

…

They locked eyes with each other again over the edge of their tumblers, but the undercurrent of the mood had changed from amiable companionship of working to together towards a common goal to that of an electric attraction. They'd been too close as Regina was healing Emma’s hand and now had been staring too long and they were once again reminded that, like magic, it always comes with a price: the price of hearts beating faster, breaths becoming shallower, stomachs clenching in need of what they were denying, of hands wanting to reach out forcefully held steadfast to themselves, of yearning, of needing: the price of fighting what they both wanted and conquering their desires, suppressing their needs, denying who they are.

She knew it was indulgent, she knew she should take the necessary step back, put the space between them as it should be. She doesn’t."It could hurt more than it might… satisfy us,” Regina muses softly through the silence. “We could hurt so many people with this- revelation. It could… ruin your chances to be really truly happy- your relationship with Hook and your family in the future."

"But you're my family, Regina," the honest words tumble out before she can censor them.

"Yes, so I'm not an option for you. I shouldn't be," Regina cautioned. "We shouldn't be doing this. We shouldn't sit here and drink and… think about kissing each other."

"Yet we are."

“Yet we are,” Regina echoes. A sigh crosses her lips. "Please don't try to seduce me tonight," the plead comes too strong.

"Why?" a smirk crosses Emma’s features.

"Because I wouldn't be able to say no. I can’t. I’m sorry. But maybe-" It was a dare. It was a flirtation. It was the last thing Regina said before she turned on her heel and left Emma standing there. But more than that it was a promise.

What did they always say about heroes able to find a third way?

~0~

Making out like teenagers on Emma’s sofa three days later was probably not the third way, but maybe it was everyone kept their clothes on, however that felt more like a technicality than anything.

Regina extricated her limbs from the tangled web they wove. She had pressed a soft kiss to Emma’s temple in parting and Emma had snapped at her about going home to Robin Hood and Regina continued to leave without further retort, her shoulders sinking in on themselves.

~0~

Robin rubs a spot behind his neck and proceeds with a deep breath. "I think you should stop spending so much time with the Dark One." Regina looks indignant at the suggestion, her hand faltering at the pot she was stirring. She turns from the stove ready to bite back before he sticks a hand out to interrupt. "Please just let me explain," he reasons with a soft hand on her arm.

"I understand that you must have some sort of feelings for her. She's Henry's mother after all. Even indebted to her- She sacrificed herself you. But that you doesn't exist. She sacrificed herself for-"

He hesitates before his voice takes on a desperate quality as the rest of his words run fast together "- for Regina the larger than life fairytale character- the infallible hero who arose from the ashes of evil, who's stronger than any foe if only she has her first mate Emma by her side." He takes a moment to breathe. "It's a nice story really, but that's all it is. She doesn't see you- not really," the plea comes naturally and Regina muffles a scoff.

"- She doesn't see the battle that wears on everyday inside you- that everyday it's a choice to wake up and consistently choose good. She doesn't see the intrusive thoughts, suicidal tendencies, and night terrors. She's not the one who holds you and wipes the sweat from your brow, while you cry and fist sheets in agony! She's not the one pulling your hand back from cursing yourself into oblivion! Maybe you love her maybe you don't, but I'm the one you let see the ugly parts of yourself- not her," his voice hard with emotion. "And maybe you'd do well to think long and hard about why that is."

She opened to her mouth to retort. She was ready to pounce on whatever he had to say- he doesn't know her. She knows if she was the still fully the Evil Queen he would have gotten a tongue lashing, maybe hard words or maybe she would have pinned him up against the counter and shoved her tongue down his throat to let him know he was her property and she could do as she wished. But that doesn't even begin to feel like an appealing action right now; the thought makes her queasy. She finds herself at a loss for words and all she can do is fugitively open and promptly close her mouth in response.

"I have eyes, Regina," he sighs. It's not defeated just tired. He turns to leave and adds quietly from the doorway, unable to look at her. "I'm not asking for an explanation, just stating an observation. The last time you came home with smeared lipstick. Come get me when dinner is ready."

Later that night Regina lies in bed awake in thought. She rolls over to gaze at the cold empty side of the bed beside her, before slipping on her robe and heading downstairs.

She leans against the doorframe to the study where she finds Robin staring off in space, tumbler in hand. "You coming to bed anytime soon?" she asks gently.

It takes a moment for him to turn his head toward the sound of her voice. He eyes her longingly with glazed over orbs. She shyly ducks her head, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear, an excuse to hide some of her face with her hand for a moment.

She gingerly undoes the tie to her robe as she slips over to stand in front of where he is seated. He looks up at her. His eyes full with untold vastness of emotion. She slides down to straddle his lap, placing a languid kiss to his lips. He kisses her back, but it's empty, like his mind is a million miles away. She slides off, standing, she takes his hand gently and says, "Come to bed."

~0~

"Why are you with me?" Regina asks evenly, placing her hands on her thighs, as they sit across from each other.

"Is this a trick question?" Robin ventures.

"Would you have even given me the time of day if not for the whole soulmates thing, when you found out you still had a wife? I don't think so. Marian is pretty special. She's kind and gentle- things I will never be. She's- don't you want more for yourself than this?"

"Are you in love with Marian?" he asks incredulous.

"No," Regina replies instantly, shaking her head as she furrows her brows in condescension. The accusation would almost be funny if not for the absurdity of it all. "All I'm saying is why choose me when you had a Marian? You don't always have to do what fate tells you to," she chastises.

"Is that what you think this is about?" he snaps, rising and pacing away from her as he runs his hand though his locks. He turns to face her, before continuing exacerbated, "You _really_ haven't gotten to know me better than to think that's all this is?" He shakes his head forlorn. "Really, Regina? You must be joking!"

"Is it really so hard to believe?" she conceives, looking upon at him. Her eyes are soft, soft, then something changes and she rises from her seat the words spurring out in a defiant yell "That no one would love me? No one should love me!"

"Everyone deserves love, Regina." He reaches over taking her hands in his and she turns away, taking her hands and warping them around her middle.

She speaks quietly. "If you really believe that, then you should probably go. I don't love you."

The room is silent and air feels suddenly gone as he runs a hand though his hair while taking shallow breaths.

"You know what, Regina? That's fucking bullshit! That's what this is, you're scared, because I said all that stuff about knowing you and now you're pretending that you don't care!"

"I don't," she says simply. "I never did."

He slams his fist to the wall. Regina flinches but just barely. He turns to face her but her back remains toward him. "Really you're going to throw all this away? over her?" His voice is pleading for her to say, for her to stay.

She steps forward toward him. "No, because you deserve better, Robin of Locksley," she says softly. She places a chaste kiss to his lips, pulling away rubbing her thumb across his cheek. She speaks directly his pleading eyes when she says, "Goodbye, Robin." She takes her hand down and strides away before her visage dissolves in magic.

He thinks to grab her wrist pull her back. Maybe kiss. Make her understand. But he doesn't he just stares off into the space she just occupied. He runs a hand over where his cheek tingles from where her fingers were recently splayed. He looks down to his boots before he lets his head fall into his hand with a lull.

~0~

Regina appears at the only place she could even think of. Breaking up with Robin in the manor was not the smartest idea. She doesn't want to go back right now. Robin needs space. She needs space. Henry's old enough he'll be fine, she figures. She shakes her hair out with her hand, before knocking on the door.

"Madam Mayor," Emma greets, the words drawn out lushly.

"May I come in?" Regina asks timidly as if this some kind of big imposition showing up unannounced.

The Dark Swan slides from the doorway to allow her passage.

Regina sits down on the sofa. Her eyes flitting about the room as the Dark Swan eyes her pointedly from the chair opposite her, hands folded neatly in her lap against the black leather pants.

Emma finally breaks the silence with a sigh. "Regina, what do you want?" she asks coldly.

"I- I don't know." Regina stands wringing her hands. "I shouldn't have come. I'll just go." She turns for the door.

"Wait," the Dark One calls and she halts. Emma stands facing her, eyes darkened. Regina feels her pulse begin to race from being the object of that look upon her face.

The distance is closed and it's heady and heated and Regina gladly lets herself be lost in it. All thoughts drifting far from her mind, everything beyond the feel of the woman in front of her as Emma's slips a thigh between her legs. Soon to be replaced by spindly fingers fumbling with zippers, grazing sensitive areas. As things heat up Emma suddenly retracts her hand causing Regina's hips to thrust forward from lack on contact.

"You should go," Emma says coldly.

"What?" Regina reels as she tries to control her labored breathing.

"I said leave. Now." Emma repeats more forcefully.

Regina huffs and her face almost contorting into a pout. She says the only thing she can think to try and get this back to where it was a moment ago. "I left Robin," it's kind of a frantic plea; the meaning clear: don't leave me. "Now we can be together," Regina informs the Dark Swan, whose face hardens.

"I didn't ask for that. I don't want it!" After a deep exhale she continues, "He's your soulmate Regina. How could you be so stupid to throw away your happy ending!"

"I - but I," Regina fumbles fussy and confused, and suddenly feeling very vulnerable in her state of mid-undress. She grabs her red blazer off the table and begins to straighten herself up self consciously.

"You need to fix it! And this! This can't happen! I'm down a path you can't follow, so stop trying!" the Dark Swan seethes. "You're not like me!"

"I told him I never loved him. You can't just take that back!" Regina screams.

The Dark Swan turns on heel sharply gliding away.

"Emma?" Regina calls after her confused.

Emma returns shoving a dream catcher into Regina's hands. "Here, take this, wave it over him, say the words. Fix your own fucking mess!" And on that note she poofs away before Regina has a chance to say anything.

Emma reappears in the shed, her hall of dream catchers. Tears streaming down her face. She clutches a dream catcher to her body softly. She pulls it away and watches her favourite moments with Regina play out before her eyes, as her chest heaves in upon itself.

Regina returns home does as instructed. She casts the spell waving the dream catcher over the head of his sleeping form passed out on her plush leather sofa. When he wakes, he seems dazed and she holds him steady as he recovers quickly. "You alright?" she asks to make sure.

"Yeah, yeah." He rubs his head with hand.

"Good," Regina replies with a sickenly sweet smile that he can't help but return, as she takes his hand leading him up to bed.

Everything is a lie. Regina remains awake starring at the ceiling until the sun begins to shine.

…

When she is making dinner, he brings up the same conversation as the day before. But this time she says the words she knows he already believes the words he's dying to hear.

Her eyes darken as she saunters over. She situates his collar before leaning in for a dirty kiss, clinging to it. She plays with his tongue, wrapping her leg around him as she slides her hand up in neck and into his hair. His hands slide down to cover her ass, pulling her closer.

~0~

Telling the Dark Swan that her and Robin were back together only began another fight.

"But this is what you wanted!" Regina screams. "I only did what you asked!"

"I wanted you to fight me on it. Fight for me," Emma chokes out. "I needed to know you wouldn't ever turn your back on me." The words come out with a sniffle.

"Emma- Emma, I'm sorry," she pleads. Her hands frustrating down at her sides as her voice breaks. "I thought this was what you wanted. I wanted to respect your wishes,” she finishes quietly, lamely. Everything was so confusing. Too many truths existed in her head.

"What about your wishes?" Emma snaps before shaking the question away with her head. "I didn't really think you could do it," she admits quietly. "I get why you'd want an easier life. And it would easier a life with him. I get it; I really do," Emma assures with a weak smile. "I don't blame you. I have Killian," her words are accompanied by a watery laugh in spite of herself.

"Where is the grungy goth by the way?" Regina asks offhandedly, only releasing just then that she hasn't really seen the pirate lately.

"Oh, he's asleep upstairs," Emma mentions casually.

"Aren't you worried he might wake up?" Regina ventures.

"Are you planning on screaming my name loudly in the cusp of pleasure, Mayor Mills?" the Dark Swan quips acerbically, acknowledging Regina's blushing cheeks with a smirk and a quirk of the head before continuing, "But no, actually I'm not worried about that." And upon noticing Regina's expression she adds, "No, he's not dead or cursed in need to true love's kiss- not that he would find it here. But he is out for the count. Being the Dark One has it perks." She smiles wickedly.

"I see," Regina notes evenly. "Too bad you two could make a great goth couple." She smirks.

Emma rushes into her personal space, shoving Regina to the wall. The Dark One slides a hand around Regina's throat. Regina's head lulls backward against the wall in heady pleasure from lack of oxygen. Her grip rough before suddenly easing up and gazing upon Regina with wonder and fondness. The sentimental flash quickly masked by hardness. "I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee," she says darkly, stepping back.

Regina's eyebrows shoot up as she tries to keep amusement to herself. "You're a strange villain," Regina chuckles; the lilt deep and throaty, causing Emma to need to blink to remain present in the moment. Regina runs her fingers along Emma's cheek.

"I once had a dream where you choked me up against a tree," Regina comments, remembering viscerally.

"And did you like that, Madam Mayor?" Her tone somehow making the title so obscene, shooting a warmth to Regina's center causing her breathing to increase tenfold.

"Wouldn't you like to know," she says breathlessly against Emma's lips. Her chest now heaving in anticipation.

Emma leans in to kiss her, before suddenly shoving herself back. "I said this can't happen."

Regina leans forward, her suggestion quiet, "I should break up with him again."

"It's not fair to keep jerking him around like that," Emma states evenly, refusing to met Regina's eye as she starts pacing. She needs to weave. She needs to release all this pent up energy and magic from being so close to Regina.

"What if I don't care?" Regina prompts gingerly.

"Then you're not who I thought you were," Emma turns to Regina with a hard stare and even harsher tone.

Robin's words rattle in her brain: _she doesn't see you- not really. I'm the one you let see the ugly parts of yourself_. She feels nauseous as she turns to leave.


	3. Chapter 3

_Emma leans in to kiss her, before suddenly shoving herself back. "I said this can't happen."_

_Regina leans forward, her suggestion quiet, "I should break up with him again."_

_"It's not fair to keep jerking him around like that," Emma states evenly, refusing to met Regina's eye as she starts pacing. She needs to weave. She needs to release all this pent up energy and magic from being so close to Regina._

_"What if I don't care?" Regina prompts gingerly._

_"Then you're not who I thought you were," Emma turns to Regina with a hard stare and even harsher tone._

_Robin's words rattle in her brain: she doesn't see you- not really. I'm the one you let see the ugly parts of yourself. She feels nauseous as she turns to leave._

Regina shoves her hurt down, and turns back rage boiling in her blood. “And you think that you, **the Dark One** , have the right to lecture me about morals?” she snaps, sliding back into Emma’s personal space.

The Dark Swan laughs, a high pitched empty sound. “That’s rich coming from the Evil Queen.”

“Former Evil Queen,” Regina corrects haughtily.

Emma’s face contorts in anger. “Well in that case, by all means you’re a saint now! You can do no wrong! You know what, you know about my actions as the Dark One and you know clearly I am the one on higher moral ground here!” She shouts into Regina’s face, chest heaving.

Regina’s equally on edge. She takes a moment to breathe, her gaze slipping from Emma’s eyes downward. “Emma, what are we doing here?” she asks softly as she places her hand on Emma’s arm.

Emma looks like she is fighting internal forces her eyes unfocused as she looks at Regina. She shakes her head and takes a step back.

Regina deflates and sinks down into the sofa. “Is this really that immoral?” her question more rhetorical than anything at this point. “Back in Camelot, I used to think so… but I just don’t know anymore… I’ve done so many terrible things, Emma. And this-“ she waves between them, “- this doesn’t even compare. I’ve had my men slaughter entire villages: men women, children...” Her eyes glass over in horror as she remembers gazing upon that scene with Snow. “I’ve ripped out a man’s heart on his wedding day! I-I just don’t have it within myself to feel bad about this. Of all the horrible things I’ve done in the name of love, this is not one.” Her tone leaves no room for argument. She draws herself up from where she had slumped over on the sofa. “Goodbye Emma,” she says as she passes by a stiff standing Emma. She places a light kiss on her cheek before she takes her leave.

~0~

Maybe Emma was right and this was a dangerous game. Maybe Emma was right and all they would ever do is hurt each other more. Hurt people hurt people. Maybe she owed it to Robin Hood to try; Tink had made that very clear before that if she didn’t she was ruining his happy ending too- that soulmates worked both ways. Regina sighs this was all too much to think about.

Robin walks into the study where Regina had been staring off into the distance wine glass in hand. “Mind if I join you?”

“Not at all,” Regina complies without thinking more into it. She owes it to him to make him happy, after all the shit she’s done the least she can do is make her soulmate happy. It won’t make up for all that but it’s a start.

“You okay?” he asks gently.

“Just tired,” she answers back simply. They both know it’s a lie, but he doesn’t push it.

He places a light hand on her arm, anchoring her to this world as they sit together in silence.

~0~

Avoiding Emma, avoiding thinking about Emma. It’s what Robin wanted after all. She can be complacent. Emma’s the Dark One, she can handle it. She shouldn’t need to worry. Regina almost feels herself sliding back into domestic normalcy with him. It’s good, mostly, lackluster, maybe, but he’s devoted and loves her and it should be good. With a house bustling with the noise of two children and the often visits from the Merry Men it’s easy to get lost in that warmth and not think too deeply about things like desire and anything revolving around Henry’s other mother. Busy, busy, busy too busy for thoughts, and it’s so easy with Robin sliding his arms around her as she cooks at the stove. It’s so easy to lean back into his embrace and he peppers kisses down her neck and she swats him away chastising him that he’ll distract her so much she’ll burn the food; they both know it’s a joke and he grins at her, while she rolls her eyes. And maybe it’s good and maybe that should be enough for forever.

~0~

She answers the ringing phone, upon hearing Emma’s desperate voice on the other end her breath hitches. “Regina, I – I need your help. I’ve been trying but my magic- I can’t. Can you-?” the question fizzles off. Regina tries to steady her breathing unable to formulate words. It’s been how long since she talked to Emma? She can’t really recall, even though she can easily remember that night in vivid detail. Emma questions if she’s still there. Regina confirms before quickly appearing in front of Emma.

Seeing Emma nearly makes her knees give out, but she huffs out an impersonal, “Let’s get to work,” instead.

…

Regina and Emma had been in her vault working on magic, when Emma slides up behind Regina to watch what she was mixing. The Dark Swan sets her head on Regina’s shoulder wrapping her hands around Regina’s middle, an action followed by a sharp intake of breath from Regina. She turns her head to face Emma’s and it’s too close. Regina’s eyes flick down to Emma’s lips as she begins to feel much too hot in the vault. Regina turns her body within Emma’s embrace to face her properly. Emma slides her hands up Regina’s back tangling into her hair. A game of staring commences. It’s like chicken, first one to make a move loses. Chests are heaving, hearts are beating.

Then Regina takes Emma's hands in hers and brings them gently down between them. "This can't keep happening." She sighs. "It's not healthy for- anyone involved."

"You think it's wrong?! You think I'm wrong?! You think my feelings are wrong!" the Dark Swan screams as she jerks back sharply.

"No, no, Emma, no, I didn't say that." Regina explains calmly as she reaches out trying to placate Emma. She bites back the retort that in fact Emma had said that, not her.

Emma steps back, tears rising in her eyes. "Do you love him?" she shouts, her voice breaking.

"Emma, I don't think that's what matters here. What matters is that-" she sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Is that we aren't alone in this. Our choices-"

"Do YOU love him?" Emma cuts her off, repeating the question more sternly.

"Emma," Regina warns.

"DO YOU LOVE HIM!?" she booms the sheer force of over streaming magic throwing Regina to the ground. Emma hovers over her menacingly. "Answer the damn question, Regina," the Dark Swan demands coldly. Regina's chest rises and falls rapidly.

"Yes," Regina sighs, "I think I do." wincing as potion bottles around the room suddenly shatter.

The Dark Swan pulls back from Regina and begins pacing, seemingly mumbling to herself from what Regina can tell.

Regina struggles herself to standing, watching Emma closely.

Emma suddenly stops and angles toward Regina. Her voice small when she asks, "Do you love me?"

"Emma, yes, of course I do. There has never been any doubt about that," she answers softly, reaching her hand out to pull Emma from her stupor. Emma smiles weakly at her. "Why else do you think I would be here?" she adds and it was clearly the wrong thing to say.

Emma pulls away, her voice a bitter taunt. "Oh I don't know, maybe to keep Henry safe! To keep an eye on me! Be the hero. Save the town. What was it you always used to say whenever we did anything together? FOR HENRY!"

"Emma, please, listen to me. This isn't about that," Regina pleads.

"Isn't it?" Her voice cuts. But then she shakes her head and tone of her voice is lighter now. "You know I really like having you around," she confesses.

The sudden rawness to her words causing Regina to take a sharp inhale.

"The voices- it's the only time- sometimes I can drown them out," she speaks wistfully as her hand trails along a shelf, "when you're near and well- when I’m not angry with you." A small chuckles rolls out from her lips.

Regina doesn't know what to say to that so she settles on a polite, "I'm glad I can help."

Emma glances at her in a brief acknowledgment.

Regina scrutinizes Emma. "What kind of things do the voices say?"

"Lots of stuff,” Emma mutters. When Regina rolls her eyes she elaborates, "Mostly they tell me to do things- things that will advance the Dark One's agenda or like give into my desires and what not." Emma shoots a calculated and careful glance at Regina.

"And what are the voices saying right now?" Regina asks her voice low and sultry. It was a dare. It was a flirtation. It was a step towards what they weren’t supposed to be doing anymore.

"I'd rather not say," Emma replies.

"Is it about me?" Regina pushes.

Her dark side answers before she can stop the words from tumbling from her mouth, "Pin her against the wall, shove you're fingers- make her scream, slide your tongue- make her come undone, make her-" Emma stops abruptly, feeling Regina's dark lidded eyes burning into her.

"Go on," Regina prompts.

"Is this turning you on?" Emma slides closer to Regina asking words directly into her ear. Her breath caressing Regina's neck.

Too close, too far, bodies burning, desolate and full of yearning, chocking on intoxication, drowning in anticipation.

"I need to go," Regina mumbles as she flees.

...

She arrives home, calling out Robin's name. He greets her at the door and is instantly shoved up against the wall near the steps in a heated kiss with wandering hands, unbuttoning his clothes. When she removes her lips from his to kiss down his neck to his shoulder, he mumbles into her hair, "Hello to you too," in a half chuckle.

She is then dragging him up the stairs leaving his pants behind as they step upwards. He pushes her back gingerly, "Let's make it to the bed."

She magics them into her bed. "Happy now?" she asks wirily. Before her lips are sealed with his kiss.

...

As they lay there spend and satiated, from the silence Regina announces, "I have to move in with Emma."

"What?" Robin stutters, and she begins to repeat her words. He interrupts, "No, I heard you the first time. What the hell are you saying?" he tries to keep his voice down.

"I - she - when I'm around the voices in her head stop," Regina explains.

"Have you ever thought to think why that is?" he probes angrily. "The woman's in love with you!"

Regina begins to deny the accusations. He silences her his a hand. "What about what I want?" he asks gently.

"Robin, you're my soulmate. I love you," she responds very serious.

"Too bad that doesn't seem enough for you," he replies somberly. "I can't play this game anymore with you." He sighs. “I've been... far too lenient and supportive of this- whatever the hell you two have! No you know what, fine this is your choice! And gods I really wanted to believe in us.” He runs a hand though his hair. “Give you the benefit of the doubt, but - gods I know she's the parent of your kid and you two are connected in a way we never will be but- gods Regina which one of us are you dating? Because it's not me whom you're at their beck and call. You drop everything for her if she says jump!"

"For Henry," she intercedes. "Robin, I love you!"

"No, not for Henry, for Emma. Gods Regina, just be honest with yourself- with me," he pleads. "You know it's not your job to save her, just because she saved you."

"Actually it is," Regina admits quietly.

"Why? You don't owe her!" Robin fumes. "You didn't ask for her to do that!"

"I gave her my word in Camelot-"

"IN CAMELOT?!" he queries, shocked and outraged. "You remember Camelot! What else have you been keeping from me! You know what that's just great." He is sliding out of bed now, searching the room for his remnants of clothing.

"Robin, it's not like that," Regina pleads. "Come back to bed."

"No. I've tried to lenient with you. But I can't just be the stand in boyfriend while you corrupt yourself! You made your bed of lies now you get to sleep in it!" he yells.

"Keep your voice down," she hisses. "You'll wake Henry and Roland."

"A worry you didn't have when you were screaming, 'Oh Robin, fuck me harder,' which I'm sure would be a much more traumatic way to wake up," he snarls.

"But we're soulmates," Regina grabs his hand as she repeats the refrain to which she so desperately clings.

"Maybe we were, but you've long since killed that girl," he denies dejectedly as he pulls his hand from hers. Slamming the door in his wake.

Regina curls herself small as tears spot her pillowcase. She feels the bottom of her bed dip down and looks upon the Dark Swan with startled eyes. "You've been watching me," Regina states plainly as she wipes at her eyes.

The Dark Swan takes in the state of the room. "No, I had no desire to watch you contort yourself with a mountain goat," the she replies glib. "I felt you crying, I wanted to-" the words trail off. She has no idea what she wanted to do.

"Can you hold me?" Regina asks weakly, too depleted to care about all the implications made this night.

"In the bed where you just fucked your exboyfriend?" Emma queries bemused.

Regina magics new sheets with a sigh. "You probably don't want to sleep in that. I have pyjamas in the second drawer."

"I have magic too," Emma retorts lightly as she gives herself a sleep suit before crawling in and placing a kiss on Regina's naked shoulder.

Regina wakes up on Emma's chest her hand snaked underneath Emma's top and a thigh between her legs.

Regina turns in Emma's arms and gives her a lazy, languid kiss. "Mmm I slept well," she sighs contentedly. "What did you do all night?"

"Mostly doodled across the expanse of your skin. Pretty calming," she remarks.

"Glad my body could be of service," Regina lilts.

"I'm sure it's capable of much more," Emma remarks with a smirk.

"I think that could be arranged," Regina breathes into her ear, before straddling Emma's waist.

Emma places her hands on Regina’s chest to halt her movements. “I think you should stop-” Regina winces, hurt and vulnerable. “-and think,” Emma adds, taking Regina’s hands in hers as she slides the older woman off. “I’ll only ever hurt you,” she whispers into Regina’s knuckles, before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been reading too much post-war German literature that the idea of comparative morality has been swimming in my brain.


End file.
